Words Don't Come Easy
by dS-Tiff
Summary: It's two days after Valentine's Day and Toby is trying to come to terms with the test results. He needs Happy, but she doesn't know if she can help him. Quintis with some light angst and a little fluff.


_**This is set two days after the events of S04E16 'Nerd, Wind and Fire'. I hope you enjoy it. All comments welcome. Thank you kindly.**_

 **WORDS DON'T COME EASY**

"I'm home! Sorry I was so long, Sugarplum, I had to wait for sesame bagels, but I know how much you love 'em."

Toby stepped into the house with the paper bag containing their breakfast tucked under his arm and headed for the kitchen. The early morning air had done him good. Walking always helped focus his thoughts.

 _God knows I really need to focus today…_

Toby was still reeling from the discovery that he was the reason he and Happy couldn't conceive naturally and he was never going to stop feeling desperately guilty about it. He knew it wasn't his fault - in the sense that there was nothing he could do about it, it was just genetics - but that didn't make any difference, no matter how he looked at it. Happy didn't blame him and he loved her even more for that, but he blamed himself and he always would, no matter how much self-therapy he put himself through.

Toby assumed Happy would be up by now and he was looking forward to a relaxing breakfast with his wife after the stresses of the last couple of days. It had been a Valentine's Day he'd rather forget. Instead of a romantic evening in with his beautiful wife, Team Scorpion had been called to two separate accidents and in between saving over twenty lives they'd barely had time to process the news about their fertility status. Then they'd just slept through virtually the whole of next day. Today was a new day, though and Toby was determined they would start moving forward now.

"They're still warm, I thought we could..." Toby stopped mid-sentence, realising he was talking to himself.

 _I can't believe she's still in bed… She must be exhausted._

Happy wasn't one to waste the day lazing around and Toby was a little concerned.

 _I guess all the stress has taken its toll on her… I should have realised..._

He knew she was trying to stay strong and be positive for his sake and he also knew that at some point she would need to let down her walls and face all the emotions she was pretending to ignore.

"Darlin'?" he called out, but he got no reply. Puzzled, he walked into their bedroom expecting to find her fast asleep in bed, but instead she was sitting on the floor with her back to him. Her knees were tucked up tightly under her chin and her arms clutched her legs as if they might fall off if she let go.

"Happy?" Toby called her name, but if she heard him she didn't acknowledge his presence.

 _Oh God, I've broken her_ …

He hadn't expected her to close herself off completely, not from him. This wasn't how their relationship worked.

 _This isn't how we do things…_

Maybe something else had happened while he was out? His heart pounded in his chest and slowly he walked over and crouched beside her.

"Hey," he said gently and he tenderly put his hand on her shoulder.

Happy nearly jumped out of her skin. "Jeez! Toby!" she exclaimed.

"I'm sorry!" Toby pulled her into a hug. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Happy struggled to release herself from his grasp. "I'm not scared, dummy!" she said indignantly. "I just didn't hear you. I was… thinking. I guess I zoned out."

Toby suddenly noticed several scrunched pieces of paper scattered on the floor around her and a discarded pencil at her feet. He reached for one of the pieces of paper, but Happy snatched it from his hand and quickly began gathering them all up. Toby was overcome with relief to see she hadn't shut down emotionally after all, as he had feared, but he was confused by the pieces of paper. "What's all this?" he asked with a puzzled frown.

"Nothing," snapped Happy. "Did you get bagels?"

"Well that was one giant sledgehammer of a deflection," noted Toby, dryly. "But yes I did. Now are you going to tell me what you've been writing? Paper and pencil is a little old school."

"None of your business, Doc," replied Happy, getting to her feet.

Toby watched her every move, using his skill and expertise in a desperate attempt to answer his own questions. "Your decision to write with pencil and paper indicates a desire to reconnect with the past, a yearning for simpler times."

"My past was never simple, Doc," Happy pointed out.

"Not using technology suggests you're writing something very personal," Toby continued his analysis, undeterred. "You don't want to risk this going viral, or getting hacked."

"No one is going to hack this crap," retorted Happy. "Can we just go have breakfast now?"

"Sure," nodded Toby casually. He got to his feet and held out his hand for Happy, half expecting a sarcastic retort about how she didn't need anyone to help her stand, but instead she wrapped her fingers tightly around his and pulled herself up.

 _Interesting… she just wanted physical contact…_

"Stop looking at me like that," she snapped. "I don't need shrinking, Doctor Curtis. I'm fine."

"Clearly," noted Toby, sarcastically. He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her everything was going to be OK, but he knew he couldn't force her to release her emotions, he'd learnt that much about her soon after they met.

 _Take your time, darlin'… I'm here… And I need you more than you need me today…_

"Bagels!" Happy almost yelled. She gathered up the last of the pieces of paper and shoved them into a drawer. "If you look at those before I get chance to burn them you're dead, got it?"

Toby nodded. He would never invade her privacy, not unless it was a life or death situation and he knew this wasn't that serious. He wasn't going to drop the subject, though.

 _You'll thank me later, cupcake…_

Toby followed Happy to the kitchen. "It's a little corny, but effective," he said. "The old 'write-down-your-negative-feelings-then-throw-them-away' technique, I mean. Quincy Berkstead sold a million copies on the basis of that kind of old hokum."

"It's not hokum if it's effective," Happy pointed out. "But that's not what I was doing. Now will you please drop it? It was just an experiment, that's all. It didn't work, now move on."

"An experiment?" repeated Toby. He was confused by her description. "Were you…" he paused. He didn't like being wrong and he wasn't at all sure that he had this right, but he decided to take a chance on making a fool of himself if it meant his wife would open up. "Were you writing a poem?"

Happy stared at him for a moment. "A poem?" she repeated incredulously. "You think I was writing a poem?"

"Maybe," replied Toby. "Maybe not," he added when it was clear that he was definitely wrong after all. "A song?" he suggested weakly, hoping to play down being uncharacteristically wide of the mark this time.

"Jeez, Toby, you're like a dog with a bone!" she exclaimed.

"Woof," answered Toby and Happy rolled her eyes. "OK, OK, when I walked in you were deep in thought. It's not like you, you work through your feelings in other ways – usually involving power tools - so I know this was important to you. If your experiment didn't work, let's talk it through and maybe we can make it work together? It's the least I can do, seeing as how I ain't making much else work for us right now."

Happy scowled at him. "Don't do that," she insisted. "Don't go all self-pity on me, it's not right and it's… it's not fair. This whole baby making idea was mine, so I'm taking the blame. Not you. Understood?"

Toby was stunned into silence as he tried to take in her words.

 _She blames herself for wanting a family in the first place… of course…_

Toby pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her. "It's not your fault we can't make a baby, it's my horses that are falling at the first hurdle. It's my fault." he insisted.

Happy sighed against his chest. "I thought we agreed it's no-one's fault, it's just genetics," she pointed out. "I just wish… I wish it had been my genetics, not yours."

Toby lifted her shoulders away from him to look her in the eye. "You're perfect," he said with a smile. "Just like I promised you." He leaned in and kissed her tenderly, tangling his fingers in her hair as their lips met and for a moment they were lost in each other.

Eventually they broke apart and Happy's head returned to its resting place on his chest. "Thing is, Doc, if it had been me…" she began, but she couldn't finish her sentence.

"What?" prompted Toby. "Come on, talk to me."

"That's just it, I can't," Happy replied and she forced her way out of Toby's arms.

Toby sighed and followed her as she walked towards the couch. He watched as she slumped down onto the cushions and wrapped her arms tightly around her legs.

 _Classic defensive barrier… oh, Happy…_

Toby sat beside her, longing to be able to draw her out of herself. Even now it still took a little extra effort sometimes. "Sugarplum," he began. "What were you writing? I'm not snooping, I promise, but I think you need to talk about it."

Happy turned to look at him, but kept her knees tucked tightly under her chin. "Words," she replied. "That's all, just words."

Toby reached out and began to gently stroke the side of her face. "I'm sorry, darlin', I don't understand."

Happy's mouth twitched into a smirk. "Never thought I'd hear you admit to that," she replied. Then her smile faded. "OK, Doc, two days ago – Valentine's Day – when you sat me down and explained about the test results… about your condition… I had to ask you what you'd say if it had been me."

"I know you were trying to make me feel better," replied Toby.

"But I wanted to tell you how I felt in my own words, I wanted you to know that I loved you and that I didn't blame you," replied Happy. She turned to face him now, her defences finally slipping. "But I didn't know how. I couldn't find the words. So… so I thought I'd write some down. Words, I mean. So they'd be in my head already and I could use them when I needed to express myself. It was dumb, I couldn't even find the right words in the dictionary."

"You do remember that I'm a genius, the world's greatest behaviourist," said Toby with a smile.

"I guess you've mentioned it once or twice," admitted Happy, rolling her eyes. "I know what you're trying to say - that you don't need me to say how I feel because you just know and that's… that's one of the things I love about you, but it doesn't help me. I know how I feel…" she trailed off and thumped her chest with her hand. "I know how I feel in here," she continued. "But I want to be able to tell you. When I'm upset, or hurt, or down, no matter what the stupid reason, you always know what to say to me. You always make me feel better. You talk to me and my whole world spins on its head and I clutch at your words because they keep me together. Does… does any of this make sense to you?"

"Of course it does," nodded Toby as he finally understood. "And you think if it had been you with the medical condition then I could have talked you through all the pain and the heartache and the guilt, but because it's all down to my sperm sleeping on the job you don't think you can do the same for me. Well, you're wrong, darlin'. You're helping me more than you'll ever realise."

"Pain and… and heartache and guilt?" Happy repeated slowly. "Is it… is it that bad?"

 _Yes…_

Toby just shrugged. He couldn't deny it, at least not for now.

Tears sprung to Happy's eyes as she realised the full extent of her husband's despair. "You see? I didn't even know!" she exclaimed. "How can I help you if I don't even know how you feel? It should've been me. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve a dumbass wife who doesn't know what to say."

Toby sighed and wiped away Happy's tears, barely keeping his own emotions in check. "It's all still a little raw, that's all," he whispered. "But I'm OK. And do you know why? Because I have you. And I don't need you quoting half the dictionary to me to understand how you feel. You show me how you feel every second of every day."

Happy wasn't sure if she believed him, wondering if he was just trying to make her feel better.

"I'm not just trying to make you feel better," said Toby with a knowing smile.

"How the hell do you do that, Doc?" asked Happy with amazement.

Toby laughed. "Because I'm a genius," he responded with a wink. "And I'm the luckiest genius in the world."

"No, I am," replied Happy. The smile started to return to her face as she began to feel, for the first time in two days, that things were going to be OK. No matter what happened, they would be OK because they had each other.

Toby lovingly took her face in his hands and brought her towards him for a kiss. Happy responded with passion, desperate to feel their closeness even more than usual. "I love you, husband," she breathed, momentarily coming up for air.

"I love you too, wife," Toby replied and they kissed again.

Without breaking contact with his lips, Happy pushed him backwards onto the cushions and Toby yelped at the sudden change of orientation. His eyes widened as she pushed herself upright again and began to tug his t-shirt free from the confines of his waistband.

"What about the bagels?" he asked as he felt his body temperature rise.

 _Like I really care about bagels… I need this today… I need you…_

"They can wait," replied Happy. She threw his t-shirt across the room and pulled her own over her head. "Maybe I'm no good with words," she added as she unbuckled his belt. "But I'm damn good with actions."

THE END.


End file.
